It felt just like yesterday that it was the day I was leaving for this big adventure to push the reset button and to embrace into a new chapter in life. The Camino came and it went. Now today, it is just a memory, just like my pre-trip emotions blog.
Back to the grind. The stress. And everything associated with modern day society. The fighting. The judgement. The taking advantage of others. Life in a village sounds so lovely right now. The more I connected to spirit, Christ and God, the less I want anything to do with people, things, and dramas of this mundane world.
To say the least, assets are welcome, not liabilities. This Camino was more than a reset button. It’s the start to a new chapter in my spiritual and physical life.
I’ve exited the Camino with brand new eyes, one that looks at my history and others so differently. Darkness plagues so many people’s minds and moral compass. People think they are being healed but yet led like the pied piper away from true, Godly spirit. It’s like a dangling carrot or a crown of jewels blinding many people to the truth.
And for some reason, we are all on our own path to find our way.
And a piece of the Camino is here and within me. The spirit. The vineyards. The cat down the road. Every local, pilgrim, animal and blade of grass is within me. Like a ripple effect, their spirit has affected my spirit. And my spirit will affect others.
The stress and worries of today have snapped me back into reality, realizing the fantasy world of life on the Camino is gone, but not forgotten. Coming back to the same life as I had before feels refreshing though I’ve let go of any fear-based mindsets. It’s as if nothing changed, but everything changed simultaneously.
Interestingly enough, this has been the start to a new chapter in my life in a myriad of ways.
I’ve slowly let go of things, people and places that no longer serve me, but now that desire is even stronger. Just like I did at 22 after India, I chose to walk away from people and activities that had different morals and values as myself. And today, I have to choose the same.
Reconnecting with my Christian roots, the belief in this faith system has grounded me the most out of all forms of spirituality. The ancient roots are as old as some of the grains of sand on the beach.
I have less of a desire to connect with people whose moral compass doesn’t match with mine, regardless of if they believe in God or not. Parasites, energy suckers, emotionally draining individuals – I must say goodbye and move forward into another realm of life. “Cleaning house” literally and metaphorically is an instinct that came on strong during my walk.
That can be tough for me because of my empathy and work as a health coach / trainer. I believe everyone in life is on their own path of evolvement and those who enter our life, even for a moment, somehow have an effect on other people. The hope is that we all learn and grow from each other. But, many people walk through life blinded, only seeing the reality in front of their two feet, thinking that the world revolves around them. It’s as if they are their own Sun God.
I’ve realized I can accept people, but I am the sole provider for my emotional wellbeing. I have the choice to let people in, and let people go. This was something my ex was excellent at. He had no problems cutting people out of his life. For me, it’s not that easy because of empathy.
But, it’s time.
Just like nature, things must die in order for the new to enter your life. Walking the Camino during fall season was so symbolic for my struggles, life and former marriage.
But the most important “thing” I let go of is doubt and fear. Before the Camino I feared never meeting a life partner. I feared my blossoming grey hair. I feared being too old to date for a guy who is 31 or 32. I feared being broke and not being able to pay my rent because of my temporary lay off. I let go of fear and clung onto hope – hoping that God has a plan for me.
And throughout the journey the light continuously shined down on me.
Because I consider myself an accepting person, I accept my life, my fate and my destiny. I accept that my experience in marriage, may have been for those 6.5 years, and I may never see another in my life of being married or being a wife.
Life has no guarantees. And no one knows when their end day will be here. The Camino strengthened this form of acceptance. I don’t know my future, none of us do. That is what makes life bitter sweet. Not knowing the future is as exciting as it is worrisome.
Sometimes I wish a crystal ball would show me the future, that way the stress and worry would stop to enjoy the moment. If everything is predetermined than knowing I’d have this at X age, or get married on this date, then it’d be easier not to stress, put up with or worry about the breadcrumbs in life.
But until that (hopefully) magical moment of the future arrives, I can only attach to hope that all things will work out in divine timing. On the 11th hour on 11/11/18, I attended a mass in Seattle. Attending mass on the Camino seemed normal. It once felt odd and estranged, but now it felt “normal.” It did not weird me out, but rather I looked at mass through a new set of eyes. One that appreciates and respects this ancient spiritual faith.
The Camino brought me back into the present the moment, knowing that my actions coupled with fate can tweak my destiny. The strength, courage, wisdom, light and love accumulated on the Camino is now a part of me and will forever be with me.
Que sera sera – whatever will be will be. The future is not ours to see, que sera sera.
Although I invoke emotions into my writing and videos, this doesn't mean I am sad. In a world of superficiality, it is important to express and expose the processing of emotions. This encourages others to do the same in their journey throughout life.
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Elizabeth Rae Kovar M.A. is Author of her memoir, Finding Om and is a Fitness Trainer, Yogi, Reiki Master, Presenter and Lover of Life. To view her portfolio please visit www.elizabethkovar.com